Happier Times..

Well our time finally came…I’m going to be a Mummy. Honestly it is all I can think about - everything else just pails in significance. There is so much other rubbish happening around me, and I can honestly say for the first time in my life I don’t care. The only thing I care about right now is my baby - making sure I stay safe and healthy for the next 6 months. The next 28 weeks….sounds scary when I say it like that.

We had our scan last Monday and WOW it was the most amazing experience I have had up to date. Seeing our tiny baby - 4.6cm there on the screen. Watching baby’s little heart beating, his little arms and legs waving around. We even saw him opening and closing his mouth - wow! When I left the room I actually cried with happiness - couldn’t stop hugging Ant and grinning

You may notice I’m calling baby a him - I might be saying she tomorrow, it changes daily. It is just an awful word… baby is not an It. It’s a little human, a little tiny human.

Pulled out the couple of clothes I bought the other day, soo cute - can’t wait to be let loose shopping properly. I’ll probably buy EVERYTHING - things we’ll never even use. Who says I don’t need a nappy bin, or a baby bath and I do need 50 romper suits…don’t i?! Arrgh it’s soo confusing! But so much fun … never thought the idea of shoping for someone else would excite me so much. I’m already dying to go and play with prams, cots, car seats…everything! But I’ve got lots of time yet … so for now I’m just going to try and enjoy my pregnancy!

Thinking...

I’m starting to wonder if thinking is a bad thing? I sometimes think I would be better off if I closed off my mind and never let certain things drift back into my mind. There�s a certain person who I shouldn�t have let get back into my mind � the thoughts weren�t like they were before. It was partly just sorrow for the way things ended�. for the way that things will never be again.

He apologised - he finally did it� Finally got in touch with Ant and said he was sorry for all the heartache he caused. Ant was slightly miffed that it took him seven months to find the words�but he did it eventually. Isn�t that what counts? They talked for a bit, I don�t know everything that was said I wasn�t there. From what I gather Jay knows he�d an idiot, knows he needs to sort out his life. Stop destroying everything he touches.

I can�t help but feel bad for how things turned out, it would be easy if I put all the blame on him � but I can�t. I couldn�t � I will always admit when I am in the wrong *sighs * I shouldn�t even be thinking about this any more!

Guess I�m just worried about what happens now? Will we see him again? Will I ever be able to talk to him again � with out worrying that everyone will be watching. Scared to leave us alone. Will he even want to talk to me? I want him to talk to me again one day � I want to tell him I�m sorry!

‘I was thinking, over thinking, about how far I let this go’

It�s not just him I�ve been thinking about, things erupted this afternoon � things were said that I�ve been holding back for a long time. Things that maybe shouldn�t have been said the way they were � but I couldn�t think of another way anymore. I�ve tried to talk before now, but I�ve never got anywhere. I think� I hope that people have begun to realise the error of there ways. We�re not saint�s � we all do things wrong. I know I�ve done my share.

Perhaps exploding in the way I did wasn�t right, I thought I would feel better for getting it all out� but it�s not enough. I need to talk about it with them � it needs to be aired. Sorted, not swept under the rug and ignored. We both know this now.

‘I’m trying to make sense out of all this’

There�s other things to, a �good friend� who lives in the land of �ME� everything is about her � me, me, me! I�ve been told I have the patience of a Saint for putting up with her. Perhaps I have, but perhaps I�m just not ready to have it out with her. Not ready for the explosion that will come. She�s already lost three friends� all from one night out. Missed an invite to a friends leaving party. I can�t help thinking that I�m a bad person because I was glad that she wasn�t there. I had a really good night, so much fun with some friends I hardly ever see�never mind party with. If she was there, I just know I would have been lumbered with her. The others would have gone off without me�leaving me to listen to her. To look after her when she gets to drunk to handle herself. We�ve all done it, got so drunk we need someone to look after us� but is that really necessary every time you drink? We�ve all got a limit�why can�t some people learn it?! Know when to stop?!

Is it so hard to grow up�to stop acting like a 13 year old and start acting your real age? Being immature is fun� but so what a drunken guy is talking to you. Being an idiot� but do you really need to act the way you did?

Okay no you probably all think I�m a bitch or something, but I just feel like I needed to say these things. Get them off my chest� make me feel better. I don�t though� maybe I need to take it with her. Stop a repeat of this afternoon happening? It�s just hard, I know she will get angry � she will get upset and I can�t deal with that right now. I�m not sure I can ever deal with it.

‘I can’t deny this anymore, that facts ignored, all done before’

I do have some great friends though, and believe it or not most of them live in my computer�okay well technically they don�t but that�s where I met them! I want to say thank you to everyone who has been there for me over the past months, who have been there for me this year. You know who are you �and I love you all!!

I�ve thought of a lot the past week�and I have to say 2007 was one of the best � if not �THE� best year of my life. While 2008 has been the �worst year� makes me wish for 2009 perhaps I will get another good year. Although if you get one good year, followed by an awful one then I will pass� just let 2009 be normal. Not great, not shit� just no dramas.

I was thinking, over thinking..

Anyway I think I have written more than enough�I will leave it for today!

Lu xxx

Haunted...

It’s been a strange week… on the outside it’s been fairly normal. I’ve been getting up going to work, coming home - you know the usualy every day things. The things you do automatically with little thought. Leaving you too much time to thing about other things.

Monday morning was the weirdest day, I woke up and I just wanted to cry. Which is exactly what I did as soon as Ant woke up and hugged me. He couldn’t understand why I was crying, but then how was he meant to when I didn’t even know myself. I know now it’s because I was thinking of the baby - maybe I dreamt about her. Maybe something in a dream triggered off my thoughts, I don’t know but whatever brought it on made me feel so sad. So sad that I almost had to come home from work.

‘Now you’re gone, And I’m still crying, Shocked, broken, I’m dying inside’

I guess it’s only normal to have days like that, I’m never going to forget - I never want to forget. Who knows why some days are harder than others? Why some days I think about you more than others. I’d have been almost 14 weeks now - I’d have been getting excited about the day I would first feel her kick! Now I never will…but I know you’re with me. I have to believe this in order to cope.

‘Don’t leave me here on my own, Speak to me, Be near me, I can’t survive unless I know you’re with me’

I know this entry feels like I’ve taken a step backwards, but it’s only temporary and I’ll be okay. It just gets hard some days, not a day passes where a conversation about babies or pregnancy doesn’t happen in the office. Comes with working with two pregnant woman I guess - I talk with them. Share in there joy, the same way I’d hope they would do if it were me.

‘Why did you go? All these questions run through my mind, I wish I couldn’t feel at all, Let me be numb’

I know my problem.. I think to much! Is thinking a bad thing though? I guess it is when you go over things, question everything. Doubt everything. It’s normal though isn’t it? We all do it don’t we? I try not to let it get in the way, I put a smile on and go out into the world and be as brave as I can. I don’t cry in front of people, I’d hate to make them feel uncomfortable. I guess that’s why I do it when Im alone…

‘Just when I found my world, They took you…
…I miss you.’

Working 9-5..

… what a way to make a living.’

As you know from my last blog I got myself a new job… have offically finished my first week and it went really well. Came home Monday and my brain felt like it would explode from all the information that I had crammed in. Think I picked it up quite well… although they have taught me soooo many things. The big test will be how much of it I can actually remember when I go back Monday.

Think the best part of the job, was the lunchtimes sat in the Park! Work in the middle of town, and as I already knew Sunnie before I started we have been spending out lunch hour together! Three of which we sat in the park and one in the pub - LOVE it! Haha

‘I cry inside of me… I cry silently.’

Yesterday lunchtime I felt a bit down though… my manager Sam is pregant. Sunnie, Sam and I were sat in the park and they started talking about pregnancies and misscarriages. Saying how hard it must be for someone to go threw that. I actually just wanted to cry … they don’t know I had a misscarriage. It was really hard…. talking about pregancy I am okay with. I can get happy with Sam that she will have a little bundle of joy by Xmas. Although I’m not sure how I will cope in December when she has her baby .. I will want to be happy for her but I know I will be thinking it should have been me. That I should have a little baby in my arms to. Makes me sounds selfish doesn’t it… but I am trying really really hard and I’m proud of myself at how well I’m doing but at times I can’t help feeling slightly jealous.

Seriously I swear EVERYONE is pregnant apart from me…everytime I leave the house all I see are pregnant woman. I work with two… leave the office at lunch time and every where I go I see baby bumps! Why is everyone pregnant apart from me?!

’They’ve got you where they want you;
There’s a better life, and you dream about it, don’t you?’

Grrr I am going to rant nowt… Ant has been changed from his 10am - 6pm shift to working 6am - 2pm! We were happy with that, even though he still works weekends he finishes at 2pm so we still get some time together. Granted not as much time as we would like, but it’s better than nothing. However he has been given a letter today, saying that are changing the shift back to 10am - 6pm! We’re soooo pissed off. Meants we will only get a couple of hours every evening to spend together and it scares me. That’s the way we were living before xmas…and things got really bad. I’m soo scared of what will happen to our relationship - will we be able to survive not seeing each other? When we don’t get time together…we tend to get ratty with each other! Which I know is really bad, but it is just so frustrating that we don’t get time together. *sighs* I guess we will just both have to work really hard…. try and make the most of the few hours we get. Makes me wanna cry….everything lately maks me want to cry. Although I haven’t actually cried in sooo long… think my tears have run dry. I don’t think i have any left in my body anywhere.

‘It’s a rich man’s game, no matter what they call it;
And you spend your life putting money in his pocket’

Laughter

…makes the world a happier place’

Well my last entry was a pretty depressing one, and I didn’t mean to make people cry. I was actually surprised at how much better I felt by being able to write my feelings down.

I had my hospital appointment on Thursday, they gave me a scan just to check that everyone was gone. It was and the nurse was really sweet and compassionate. Even though I knew i had miscarried, I had a little cry - but Ant and my sister were there to give me a huge hug. The nurse told me my womb looked fine and I was safe to try again after my first period arrives. So I see it now as time to look forward, to the future and to the children that one day I will have. I’ll never forget my little angel, and I knew she will always be there looking down at me and the children I will have.

‘An understand friend is better than a therapist, and cheaper too!’

I want to take this moment to say thank you to all my friends who have been there to support me. Your kind words and cyber hugs have all been such a help to me, putting a smile back on my face. Gaby you really are one of the sweetest girls I know *hugs* and your support not only through this but through other hard times - I can’t even put into words how much it means to me. We will meet soon
Mandi I know how hard you found it all, being there with me when I first found out. You’ve been great though and I want to say thanks. *huggles*
Tanja your card, and offer to be here if I needed you mean so much to me. *giggles* Writing about naughty Nicky with you has helped take my mind of things to. Roll on October! *hugs*
To everyone else, who sent a card, or warm wishes - there are to many of you to name and I would forgot someone if I tried to list you all I would forget someone. But thank you!

‘Dance like no one is watching, work like you don’t need the money.’

I got a new job *Happy dance* Full time, I will be an Account manager. Sounds much posher than it is. I will work in an insurance company. Pure luck that I got it… it was all basically down to a friend. She passed on my CV, had an interview and got offered the job within three days. I am not sure when I start yet, I will call them Monday and ask them when they want me. My other job… I quit! Well I was all nice and said I was leaving, but then I got hit on. ‘Fuck off, I’m married’ is apparently not enough of a NO! I will not be going back tomorrow, just can’t be doing with the awkwardness of it!

‘Calories don’t count when you are out with friends.’
Thats good because I’m sure there was a lot of calories in the beer I was drinking last night. Mmmmm Cherry beer is amazing Apple was pretty good to, so was banana and passion fruit! Gutted they didn’t have any chocolate though. Mmmm you should all come see me and I will introduce you to it! Not been out with my girls in a while, so it was really good to see them all. Thing the last time all five of us were out together was Xmas! That’s bad isnt it…and now one of the girls will be moving to London to be a Doctor! Scary stuff!

Anyway I think that is about it, and I’m pleased that this post was happier and more positive. My sad moment are getting less and less, even though I still think about what would have been!

Byeeee
Lu xx

I believe..

… is to find the strength and courage that lies within us when it is time to pick up the pieces and begin again.’‘To believe is to know every day is a new beginning’

I’m not overly religious, but I do believe that our baby is watching over us now. A little angel dancing in the clouds playing with all the babies that have gone before, and there to welcome all the babies that will come after. The world is a cruel place, why do things like this have to happen? I ask my self every day WHY? Why me? Why my baby? Did I do something wrong? Everyone tells me not to blame myself, that it was nothing I did - that there was nothing anyone could have done. That this time it just wasn’t meant to me. Logic tells me that they are right, but it’s hard. How can I not blame myself, ‘bean’ was inside me - it was my job to look after her and I can’t help but think that maybe I failed. That if I hadn’t had those glasses of wine in the first few weeks - the weeks when I didn’t even know the baby was there yet. What if it was the the day I forgot to take my folic acid? What if it was the worry that something would go wrong? Maybe I jinxed it all by getting to excited, by telling everyone my news. Perhaps I should never have bought that tiny baby outfit. I knew it was too soon, I knew I should never have bought it - but it was so cute and I knew I wouldn’t be in Ireland to get it again. Now I can’t even look at it - it’s hidden away somewhere. I don’t even know where, and I don’t want to. Maybe one day it will come out again, maybe my next child will get to wear it. Somehow that seems wrong though, should you dress a new baby in its dead brother or sisters clothes.

I know I’m not even being rational anymore, I can barely even see the words through my tears. I think it’s time to leave my blog for today.

‘To believe….is to know that wonderful surprises are just waiting to happen, and all our hopes and dreams are within reach.’

Strength isn’t an easy thing to find, it’s not something I ever thought I had a lot of. I’ve proved myself wrong over the past week - by going through one of the worst experiences a person can go though. Losing my baby….at 10 weeks and 6 days my little bean grew wings and flew away. He or She I don’t even know, and it’s something I will never know. Calling my baby ‘it’ seems so cruel and heartless and I hate doing it. We always called the baby our ‘little bean’ and that’s what I’ll continue you to do.
I’ll never forget ‘bean’ for as long as I live, how could I forget about my own baby. Even if her life was short, she was still my baby - still a little person. Some days are harder than others, I was doing well, I even had a couple of tear free days. Until last night that is, it was the day we were meant to have our first scan - the day we were meant to see the little heart beat, see our little baby dancing around. I guess it was just hard knowing that we never got the chance to see our baby, so the tears came and I ended up crying myself to sleep.

It’s hard but I have to believe that it was natures way of telling me something was wrong with the baby, that this time ‘bean’ wasn’t meant to make it into the world. I know if the pregnancy had progressed further, and ‘bean’ had died later it would have been so much harder to deal with. So much harder to get over.

‘To believe is to see the angels dancing among the clouds.’