He apologised - he finally did it� Finally got in touch with Ant and said he was sorry for all the heartache he caused. Ant was slightly miffed that it took him seven months to find the words�but he did it eventually. Isn�t that what counts? They talked for a bit, I don�t know everything that was said I wasn�t there. From what I gather Jay knows he�d an idiot, knows he needs to sort out his life. Stop destroying everything he touches.
I can�t help but feel bad for how things turned out, it would be easy if I put all the blame on him � but I can�t. I couldn�t � I will always admit when I am in the wrong *sighs * I shouldn�t even be thinking about this any more!
Guess I�m just worried about what happens now? Will we see him again? Will I ever be able to talk to him again � with out worrying that everyone will be watching. Scared to leave us alone. Will he even want to talk to me? I want him to talk to me again one day � I want to tell him I�m sorry!
‘I was thinking, over thinking, about how far I let this go’
It�s not just him I�ve been thinking about, things erupted this afternoon � things were said that I�ve been holding back for a long time. Things that maybe shouldn�t have been said the way they were � but I couldn�t think of another way anymore. I�ve tried to talk before now, but I�ve never got anywhere. I think� I hope that people have begun to realise the error of there ways. We�re not saint�s � we all do things wrong. I know I�ve done my share.
Perhaps exploding in the way I did wasn�t right, I thought I would feel better for getting it all out� but it�s not enough. I need to talk about it with them � it needs to be aired. Sorted, not swept under the rug and ignored. We both know this now.
‘I’m trying to make sense out of all this’
There�s other things to, a �good friend� who lives in the land of �ME� everything is about her � me, me, me! I�ve been told I have the patience of a Saint for putting up with her. Perhaps I have, but perhaps I�m just not ready to have it out with her. Not ready for the explosion that will come. She�s already lost three friends� all from one night out. Missed an invite to a friends leaving party. I can�t help thinking that I�m a bad person because I was glad that she wasn�t there. I had a really good night, so much fun with some friends I hardly ever see�never mind party with. If she was there, I just know I would have been lumbered with her. The others would have gone off without me�leaving me to listen to her. To look after her when she gets to drunk to handle herself. We�ve all done it, got so drunk we need someone to look after us� but is that really necessary every time you drink? We�ve all got a limit�why can�t some people learn it?! Know when to stop?!
Is it so hard to grow up�to stop acting like a 13 year old and start acting your real age? Being immature is fun� but so what a drunken guy is talking to you. Being an idiot� but do you really need to act the way you did?
Okay no you probably all think I�m a bitch or something, but I just feel like I needed to say these things. Get them off my chest� make me feel better. I don�t though� maybe I need to take it with her. Stop a repeat of this afternoon happening? It�s just hard, I know she will get angry � she will get upset and I can�t deal with that right now. I�m not sure I can ever deal with it.
‘I can’t deny this anymore, that facts ignored, all done before’
I do have some great friends though, and believe it or not most of them live in my computer�okay well technically they don�t but that�s where I met them! I want to say thank you to everyone who has been there for me over the past months, who have been there for me this year. You know who are you �and I love you all!!
I�ve thought of a lot the past week�and I have to say 2007 was one of the best � if not �THE� best year of my life. While 2008 has been the �worst year� makes me wish for 2009 perhaps I will get another good year. Although if you get one good year, followed by an awful one then I will pass� just let 2009 be normal. Not great, not shit� just no dramas.
I was thinking, over thinking..
Anyway I think I have written more than enough�I will leave it for today!
Lu xxx
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