After months of waiting, waiting to get pregnant, waiting for scans, waiting to giving birth - basically one big waiting game that seemed to take a lifetime. Time seemed to slow down the last few weeks of my pregnancy, there seemed to be extra hours in the day, extra days in the week… I was wishing time by. Now it’s all changed, time has sped up - there are not enough hours in the day, my boy is growing; changing and it’s all happening so quickly. Now I want time to slow down…I want Joshua to stay tiny for longer! Guess we are never happy!
Motherhood… people ask is it what you expected? I don’t know, I never really had any expectations. Is it harder than I thought? Some days, the lack of sleep is hard, but it’s worth it. Seeing Joshua happy and content, watching him grow and change and explore things. I’d not swap any of it for a full nights sleep… don’t get my wrong a full nights sleep would be nice, but I’ll get it again one day. The hardest thing I have found is knowing my little man is in pain and I can’t make it go away. Makes me sad, watching him sleeping and hearing him moan or cry in his sleep - I just want to hug him and make it all better. Hoping the colic goes soon - poor little mite.
There is one question I have been asked a million times, mostly by random strangers. ‘Is he good?’ Of course he is, new born babies don’t have the ability to be naughty. When they ask they are usually wanting to know if he is sleeping at night. No he doesn’t sleep through, but then I never expected him to - how many new babies do? But just because he doesn’t sleep all night doesn’t mean he is a bad baby… is that what they imply? Perhaps not, but sometimes I just want to ask them that? LOL
He truly fascinates me, I find myself spending to much time holding him and gazing at him. Watching him while he’s awake, watching him while he’s sleeping - stretching, curling up, makes cute faces, and cooing noises. Some days I get nothing done, I sit on the sofa with my new best friend - day time t.v and just hold and cuddle him. When he feeds, and then falls asleep he just looks to content and it makes me heart melt.
being a Mum, and loving seeing Ant being a Dad - he is wonderful. Proper dotes on his little boy! My whole live revolves around my little man, everything I do and say is about him at the moment. I probably bore everyone to death but honestly I am so in love with him, that I can’t stop talking about him.
Got some exciting plans for the rest of the year, going to Wales in 6 weeks with my parents - looking forward to it so much. Nice relaxing break in a gorge cottage. My mum has offered to look after Joshua for an evening to, so me and Ant will get out first night out together. I wonder if I will spend the whole time wondering how my boy is! Hehe Before I go to Wales though Erica is home, and I am soooo excited *bounces* Almost been two years since I have seen her, missed her lots. And Joshua needs to meet his Aunty Erica :D The October Tanja will come and stay, so excited :D Then December Jamie Olivers restaurant with Tanja and Carina. Yay lots of excitement!
Monday, 20 July 2009
Saturday, 13 June 2009
Changes...
Life is changing… Well I guess life is changing every day really, even if it’s the simplest of change - the fact that we are one day older. Not always one day wiser, but it’s one days more experience under out belt.
Lately I have been thinking a lot, about how things have changed - and how soon things will never be the same again. For 9 months I have been carrying a tiny person around inside me, each day this tiny being has been growing, preparing itself to join us in the outside world. I think it’s already changed me as a person, some might not think for the better…the people I no longer talk to probably think I have turned into a horrible person. Truth be told, I don’t care what they think…. If they were true friends, if I was as important to them as they made out they wouldn’t be ignoring me right now. They’d be excited for me, wanting to experience in my life changing times with me. I've started to learn more about what I want from my life, what kind of people I want around me. I've become more outspoken, I won't be walked all over, I'll only do things that make me happy. Not in a selfish way, I will do things for others - things I do because it will make them happy, because ultimately them being happy makes me happy!
I have asked myself the same question numerous times over the past couple of months. ‘How can someone who’s been my friend since high school, been a part of my life for so long now want to share this with me?’ One set of exchanged words, one tiny little fight and I don’t hear from her in months. It wasn’t even a huge fight, she told me we’d both made life choices…and I asked her if this was the case was she never happy? Honestly I have spent the last 2 years listening to her tell me how awful her life is, how being single is the worst thing in the world. I know I probably talk about my baby waaaaay to much, but it’s hard not to want to talk about it when it’s making me so happy. My other friends have shared in the excitement, asking questions taking an interest - something I never felt she did. She’d ask the odd thing, but as soon as she could she’d be back onto her. I’ve felt for a long while that things were going to blow up on us, that sooner or later I would have to say something and well I did. Granted a text probably wasn’t the best way, but heat of the moment and all that. I’ve not contacted her since, and she’s not contacted me. I was hoping she would come to my baby shower - show that she wanted to be a part of my life still. But no nothing, she doesn’t even talk to our mutual friends anymore. The longer it drags out the harder it will get for either of us to back down - but I’ve already decided I won’t be the first to make contact.
Call me stubborn, pig headed, call me what you like - I’m doing this for me. I need positive people around me - people who’ll help me adapt to the change that is coming. Not people who will drag me down, depress me….
Guess not everyone comes into your life for a lifetime - some are just there for a season. Perhaps that’s all she was meant to be in my life for?!
I’ve not worked now in 4 weeks, dam I never thought I’d be saying this but I miss it…it’s probably the boredom. Sitting at home for days doing nothing, nothing but waiting is driving me a little insane. I’m still 3 days away from my due date, but I want the baby out NOW! Bored, fed up and my back has been killing me for 3 days now but there is still no sign of the little monster. I’ve tried asking very nicely if it wants to be born yet, but no reply! Even bribing baby with cuddles and toys doesn’t seem to be working, apparently it likes being in my tummy J
A few weeks ago the thought of baby arriving scared me, not just labour (that still scares the crap out of me) but actually having a tiny baby. A tiny delicate baby that will be relying in Mummy and Daddy 100%. I have never fed a baby, changed a baby - other people’s new born babys scare me. I don’t want to hold them incase I hurt them of something. I have had all these fears about my own. But I dunno something has changed…. I am looking forward to the challenge. Looking forward to the new experience, and there are enough people around me who I can turn to for help. My parents, my sisters - even the next door neighbour.
How grown up did I feel the other day, when we were talking over the garden wall about labour… Lol she was offering me advice. Then chatting about baby things… gosh I’m a real grown up aren’t I? When did this happen and how did I not notice?
Lately I have been thinking a lot, about how things have changed - and how soon things will never be the same again. For 9 months I have been carrying a tiny person around inside me, each day this tiny being has been growing, preparing itself to join us in the outside world. I think it’s already changed me as a person, some might not think for the better…the people I no longer talk to probably think I have turned into a horrible person. Truth be told, I don’t care what they think…. If they were true friends, if I was as important to them as they made out they wouldn’t be ignoring me right now. They’d be excited for me, wanting to experience in my life changing times with me. I've started to learn more about what I want from my life, what kind of people I want around me. I've become more outspoken, I won't be walked all over, I'll only do things that make me happy. Not in a selfish way, I will do things for others - things I do because it will make them happy, because ultimately them being happy makes me happy!
I have asked myself the same question numerous times over the past couple of months. ‘How can someone who’s been my friend since high school, been a part of my life for so long now want to share this with me?’ One set of exchanged words, one tiny little fight and I don’t hear from her in months. It wasn’t even a huge fight, she told me we’d both made life choices…and I asked her if this was the case was she never happy? Honestly I have spent the last 2 years listening to her tell me how awful her life is, how being single is the worst thing in the world. I know I probably talk about my baby waaaaay to much, but it’s hard not to want to talk about it when it’s making me so happy. My other friends have shared in the excitement, asking questions taking an interest - something I never felt she did. She’d ask the odd thing, but as soon as she could she’d be back onto her. I’ve felt for a long while that things were going to blow up on us, that sooner or later I would have to say something and well I did. Granted a text probably wasn’t the best way, but heat of the moment and all that. I’ve not contacted her since, and she’s not contacted me. I was hoping she would come to my baby shower - show that she wanted to be a part of my life still. But no nothing, she doesn’t even talk to our mutual friends anymore. The longer it drags out the harder it will get for either of us to back down - but I’ve already decided I won’t be the first to make contact.
Call me stubborn, pig headed, call me what you like - I’m doing this for me. I need positive people around me - people who’ll help me adapt to the change that is coming. Not people who will drag me down, depress me….
Guess not everyone comes into your life for a lifetime - some are just there for a season. Perhaps that’s all she was meant to be in my life for?!
I’ve not worked now in 4 weeks, dam I never thought I’d be saying this but I miss it…it’s probably the boredom. Sitting at home for days doing nothing, nothing but waiting is driving me a little insane. I’m still 3 days away from my due date, but I want the baby out NOW! Bored, fed up and my back has been killing me for 3 days now but there is still no sign of the little monster. I’ve tried asking very nicely if it wants to be born yet, but no reply! Even bribing baby with cuddles and toys doesn’t seem to be working, apparently it likes being in my tummy J
A few weeks ago the thought of baby arriving scared me, not just labour (that still scares the crap out of me) but actually having a tiny baby. A tiny delicate baby that will be relying in Mummy and Daddy 100%. I have never fed a baby, changed a baby - other people’s new born babys scare me. I don’t want to hold them incase I hurt them of something. I have had all these fears about my own. But I dunno something has changed…. I am looking forward to the challenge. Looking forward to the new experience, and there are enough people around me who I can turn to for help. My parents, my sisters - even the next door neighbour.
How grown up did I feel the other day, when we were talking over the garden wall about labour… Lol she was offering me advice. Then chatting about baby things… gosh I’m a real grown up aren’t I? When did this happen and how did I not notice?
Sunday, 1 February 2009
Half Way
It’s hard to believe really, I am over half way through the pregnancy now… just under 19 weeks and I’m due! Wow! It’s scary and mega exciting at the same time J
Been spending a fortune on baby things recently… Had a stress yesterday when I looked on the ‘Toys r Us’ and half the stuff I want for the nursery is sold out. We’re going for a collection called ‘I Love My Bear’. The cot is already bought and sat at my parents house waiting for us to get round to decorating the room, before we can put it together. Thankfully when I dragged Ant to the store yesterday afternoon they had some of the bits I want, we managed to get the matching lampshade, cot mobile and some wall stickers. Ooh and a very cute teddy. We’ve got most bits we want to get nursery sorted now…apart from some pictures which I am hoping they get in online at the end of Feb! Sooo wanted to start decorating yesterday, but that’s impossible when the room isn’t even empty yet! *giggles* Ooh I bought a towel, a blanket, some plain white vests and some bottles too! My little basket is all full now…can’t wait to get a wardrobe and a chest or something, so I can start organising things. *bounces* Will get some pictures of things soon for those who want to see.
Had my 20 week scan on Thursday… baby was being a tad awkward. Lying with his/her back to us, causing problems with all the checks that they need to do. I was being told to lie on one side, then the other, then back on my back. Baby didn’t want to move though. So I had to empty my bladder….what a relief. I thought I was going to burst, a full bladder when something is sat on it is so uncomfortable! Baby moved then, and we watched as it waved it’s arms around. Sooo cute J
I have to go back for a scan at 34 weeks though as my placenta is lying low. This can cause complications, and if the placenta doesn’t move by the next scan I will be booked in for a c-section! After much googling it does appear that in most cases the placenta does move so I’m crossing my fingers mine does. I don’t much fancy having a C-Section. Although as long as baby is fine, I’m happy!
Okay enough baby talk I think! We’re off to Edinburgh in a week, it’s going to be bloody freezing but I’m looking forward to it a lot! I’ve been once years ago for a few hours, and Ant has never been. So we decided we would give it a go. Ant did suggest Dublin and shocking as it is I said I don’t want to! I mean I love Dublin soooo much, but I have been lots. So thought going somewhere new (and cheaper) would be better! It’ll be our last holiday as just the two of us for a long while to - so we need to make the most of it.
Don’t think I have much else to tell, so I’ll stop boring you all now.
Lu xx
Been spending a fortune on baby things recently… Had a stress yesterday when I looked on the ‘Toys r Us’ and half the stuff I want for the nursery is sold out. We’re going for a collection called ‘I Love My Bear’. The cot is already bought and sat at my parents house waiting for us to get round to decorating the room, before we can put it together. Thankfully when I dragged Ant to the store yesterday afternoon they had some of the bits I want, we managed to get the matching lampshade, cot mobile and some wall stickers. Ooh and a very cute teddy. We’ve got most bits we want to get nursery sorted now…apart from some pictures which I am hoping they get in online at the end of Feb! Sooo wanted to start decorating yesterday, but that’s impossible when the room isn’t even empty yet! *giggles* Ooh I bought a towel, a blanket, some plain white vests and some bottles too! My little basket is all full now…can’t wait to get a wardrobe and a chest or something, so I can start organising things. *bounces* Will get some pictures of things soon for those who want to see.
Had my 20 week scan on Thursday… baby was being a tad awkward. Lying with his/her back to us, causing problems with all the checks that they need to do. I was being told to lie on one side, then the other, then back on my back. Baby didn’t want to move though. So I had to empty my bladder….what a relief. I thought I was going to burst, a full bladder when something is sat on it is so uncomfortable! Baby moved then, and we watched as it waved it’s arms around. Sooo cute J
I have to go back for a scan at 34 weeks though as my placenta is lying low. This can cause complications, and if the placenta doesn’t move by the next scan I will be booked in for a c-section! After much googling it does appear that in most cases the placenta does move so I’m crossing my fingers mine does. I don’t much fancy having a C-Section. Although as long as baby is fine, I’m happy!
Okay enough baby talk I think! We’re off to Edinburgh in a week, it’s going to be bloody freezing but I’m looking forward to it a lot! I’ve been once years ago for a few hours, and Ant has never been. So we decided we would give it a go. Ant did suggest Dublin and shocking as it is I said I don’t want to! I mean I love Dublin soooo much, but I have been lots. So thought going somewhere new (and cheaper) would be better! It’ll be our last holiday as just the two of us for a long while to - so we need to make the most of it.
Don’t think I have much else to tell, so I’ll stop boring you all now.
Lu xx
Sunday, 4 January 2009
Reflections...
"He who hesitates before each step, will spend a lifetime on one foot."
Another new year is upon us and it always seems to be a time for reflections and resolutions. 2008 was a rollercoaster year to say the least - from emotional highs to emotional lows, but I'm still here a stronger more determined person because of it. A new person in a lot of ways...a person that not everyone can get on with any more.
2008 started with the kiss... the kiss that could have ruined everything, the kiss that almost did. Right then I wondered if things could possibly get any worse, it felt like I was at the bottom of the barrel and the only way to go was up. Which is exactly what I did... clawed my way back up and hit one of my all time highs a few months later.
February, March they slipped by - in a daze of jobless days. Boredom, and an addiction to .com. Unproductive and forgettable months.
April came, as did Anthony’s birthday and the fantastic news of my pregnancy. Buzzing with excitement we told anyone who would listen, started planning and imaging what life was going to be like ... by Christmas we'd have a tiny baby. We'd be a family.
May passed by with a Postponed concert, followed by a Westlife concert and then flying over to Dublin. Where I had a truly amazing weekend, meeting loads of wonderful people. Thanks to all of you for making it a weekend to remember, then there was the concert of all concerts. A night where dreams came true and long lasting memories were formed...Westlife at Croke park. A celebration of an amazing 10 years. What a truly amazing way to start June.
Yet only a couple of days later, when I was still buzzing from Dublin I met up with Mandi and we headed off to see Westlife yet again. A concert that will be imprinted in my memory forever, but unfortunately not for happy memories. Right before the concert started I started to bleed... my baby was leaving me. We stayed, there was nothing anyone could do anyway, tears were shed... from both of us. My hand resting protectively on my stomach as I willed my baby to cling on, I wasn't ready for her to leave me. Racing home, leaving the arena before the lads had even left the stage I needed my husband more than I'd ever needed him before. A scan was booked for two days later, but I already knew what was happening. I could feel it, I didn't need a scan to tell me my baby was no longer for this world.
The 5th of June came, the day we lost our baby forever. Right then I never thought I'd be able to carry on with life, never thought the tears would stop. They did of course, the pain eased and life moved on - life always moves on. I'll never forget though.
June slipped into July and I started a new job, working with two pregnant women - taking each day at a time. Growing stronger all the time.
August came and went, slipping into September - had I really been married for a year? Where had the time gone? We spent a lovely, but rain filled week in a beautiful cottage in Wales with my parents. Chilling out, refreshing and reanalysing life.
October and the best weekend of the year, Tanja's visit, my birthday and the news we both needed. I was pregnant again. It was so hard not to burst and shout my news from the roof tops, Tanja was right beside me as I held my secret in - this time though we couldn't tell anyone. The pain of the relaying bad news is ten times worse the sheer excitement of sharing good news.
October passed, slipped into November - the days were slow the weeks even longer. Each day a countdown - with each day that passed our baby lived a day longer. We were both anxious, scared, nervous, excited - every emotion running through our bodies. The the 24th November came the day we had been counting towards, the day of our scan - D day! Lying on the bed in the hospital, I could barely bring myself to look at the screen - could I handle it if it was bad news. Watching careful, I heard our babies heartbeat - watching as he wriggled around in front of us. From that moment I couldn't drag my eyes away from the screen. Has to be the BEST day of the year! My baby was healthy, I was really going to be a Mummy! The following days passed in a buzz of excitement, as we shared our news with everyone we knew - everyone rejoicing in our happiness.
December and Christmas, a nice quiet relaxing time. A day for family - a day spent alone with my husband and our unborn child. The memory of the baby we should have been celebrating Christmas with never far from our minds. I know she's watching down on us, protecting our new baby.
That brings us into 2009, the year that everything will change. It won't just be the two of us anymore, there is forever going to be someone else to think about - to plan around. I'm still scared, worried about everything - is my baby still okay. Will I be able to cope, will I be a good Mum? What if I don't know what to do? Everyone always says you'll just know...but HOW can you just know something?
We booked a holiday the other day, for September - the same cottage in Wales as last year. Again with my parents. As I was filling in the booking form, listing the names of everyone who would be staying I got to the fifth person 'Baby Allcock (10 weeks)' That was a surreal moment for sure.
Summing up 2008 it started badly, went up and down a few times in the middle and ended on the biggest high. Things happened in 2008 that I haven't mentioned, argument with close friends. Friendships lost, friendships that I don't know if I'll be able to get back. Perhaps it's selfish of me, perhaps saying that right now concentrating on my future, the future of my family is the only thing that matters to me makes me an awful person. If it does I'm sorry, I'm not saying I'm going to neglect my friends, neglect other things in my life - but since the moment I found out there is a baby growing inside me, protecting and loving it became the MOST important thing in my life and always will be. Baby will forever be put first!
"There comes a point in your life when you realise who matters. Who never did. Who won't anymore and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past. There's a reason why they didn't make it into your future."
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