Laughter

…makes the world a happier place’

Well my last entry was a pretty depressing one, and I didn’t mean to make people cry. I was actually surprised at how much better I felt by being able to write my feelings down.

I had my hospital appointment on Thursday, they gave me a scan just to check that everyone was gone. It was and the nurse was really sweet and compassionate. Even though I knew i had miscarried, I had a little cry - but Ant and my sister were there to give me a huge hug. The nurse told me my womb looked fine and I was safe to try again after my first period arrives. So I see it now as time to look forward, to the future and to the children that one day I will have. I’ll never forget my little angel, and I knew she will always be there looking down at me and the children I will have.

‘An understand friend is better than a therapist, and cheaper too!’

I want to take this moment to say thank you to all my friends who have been there to support me. Your kind words and cyber hugs have all been such a help to me, putting a smile back on my face. Gaby you really are one of the sweetest girls I know *hugs* and your support not only through this but through other hard times - I can’t even put into words how much it means to me. We will meet soon
Mandi I know how hard you found it all, being there with me when I first found out. You’ve been great though and I want to say thanks. *huggles*
Tanja your card, and offer to be here if I needed you mean so much to me. *giggles* Writing about naughty Nicky with you has helped take my mind of things to. Roll on October! *hugs*
To everyone else, who sent a card, or warm wishes - there are to many of you to name and I would forgot someone if I tried to list you all I would forget someone. But thank you!

‘Dance like no one is watching, work like you don’t need the money.’

I got a new job *Happy dance* Full time, I will be an Account manager. Sounds much posher than it is. I will work in an insurance company. Pure luck that I got it… it was all basically down to a friend. She passed on my CV, had an interview and got offered the job within three days. I am not sure when I start yet, I will call them Monday and ask them when they want me. My other job… I quit! Well I was all nice and said I was leaving, but then I got hit on. ‘Fuck off, I’m married’ is apparently not enough of a NO! I will not be going back tomorrow, just can’t be doing with the awkwardness of it!

‘Calories don’t count when you are out with friends.’
Thats good because I’m sure there was a lot of calories in the beer I was drinking last night. Mmmmm Cherry beer is amazing Apple was pretty good to, so was banana and passion fruit! Gutted they didn’t have any chocolate though. Mmmm you should all come see me and I will introduce you to it! Not been out with my girls in a while, so it was really good to see them all. Thing the last time all five of us were out together was Xmas! That’s bad isnt it…and now one of the girls will be moving to London to be a Doctor! Scary stuff!

Anyway I think that is about it, and I’m pleased that this post was happier and more positive. My sad moment are getting less and less, even though I still think about what would have been!

Byeeee
Lu xx

I believe..

… is to find the strength and courage that lies within us when it is time to pick up the pieces and begin again.’‘To believe is to know every day is a new beginning’

I’m not overly religious, but I do believe that our baby is watching over us now. A little angel dancing in the clouds playing with all the babies that have gone before, and there to welcome all the babies that will come after. The world is a cruel place, why do things like this have to happen? I ask my self every day WHY? Why me? Why my baby? Did I do something wrong? Everyone tells me not to blame myself, that it was nothing I did - that there was nothing anyone could have done. That this time it just wasn’t meant to me. Logic tells me that they are right, but it’s hard. How can I not blame myself, ‘bean’ was inside me - it was my job to look after her and I can’t help but think that maybe I failed. That if I hadn’t had those glasses of wine in the first few weeks - the weeks when I didn’t even know the baby was there yet. What if it was the the day I forgot to take my folic acid? What if it was the worry that something would go wrong? Maybe I jinxed it all by getting to excited, by telling everyone my news. Perhaps I should never have bought that tiny baby outfit. I knew it was too soon, I knew I should never have bought it - but it was so cute and I knew I wouldn’t be in Ireland to get it again. Now I can’t even look at it - it’s hidden away somewhere. I don’t even know where, and I don’t want to. Maybe one day it will come out again, maybe my next child will get to wear it. Somehow that seems wrong though, should you dress a new baby in its dead brother or sisters clothes.

I know I’m not even being rational anymore, I can barely even see the words through my tears. I think it’s time to leave my blog for today.

‘To believe….is to know that wonderful surprises are just waiting to happen, and all our hopes and dreams are within reach.’

Strength isn’t an easy thing to find, it’s not something I ever thought I had a lot of. I’ve proved myself wrong over the past week - by going through one of the worst experiences a person can go though. Losing my baby….at 10 weeks and 6 days my little bean grew wings and flew away. He or She I don’t even know, and it’s something I will never know. Calling my baby ‘it’ seems so cruel and heartless and I hate doing it. We always called the baby our ‘little bean’ and that’s what I’ll continue you to do.
I’ll never forget ‘bean’ for as long as I live, how could I forget about my own baby. Even if her life was short, she was still my baby - still a little person. Some days are harder than others, I was doing well, I even had a couple of tear free days. Until last night that is, it was the day we were meant to have our first scan - the day we were meant to see the little heart beat, see our little baby dancing around. I guess it was just hard knowing that we never got the chance to see our baby, so the tears came and I ended up crying myself to sleep.

It’s hard but I have to believe that it was natures way of telling me something was wrong with the baby, that this time ‘bean’ wasn’t meant to make it into the world. I know if the pregnancy had progressed further, and ‘bean’ had died later it would have been so much harder to deal with. So much harder to get over.

‘To believe is to see the angels dancing among the clouds.’