"He who hesitates before each step, will spend a lifetime on one foot."
Another new year is upon us and it always seems to be a time for reflections and resolutions. 2008 was a rollercoaster year to say the least - from emotional highs to emotional lows, but I'm still here a stronger more determined person because of it. A new person in a lot of ways...a person that not everyone can get on with any more.
2008 started with the kiss... the kiss that could have ruined everything, the kiss that almost did. Right then I wondered if things could possibly get any worse, it felt like I was at the bottom of the barrel and the only way to go was up. Which is exactly what I did... clawed my way back up and hit one of my all time highs a few months later.
February, March they slipped by - in a daze of jobless days. Boredom, and an addiction to .com. Unproductive and forgettable months.
April came, as did Anthony’s birthday and the fantastic news of my pregnancy. Buzzing with excitement we told anyone who would listen, started planning and imaging what life was going to be like ... by Christmas we'd have a tiny baby. We'd be a family.
May passed by with a Postponed concert, followed by a Westlife concert and then flying over to Dublin. Where I had a truly amazing weekend, meeting loads of wonderful people. Thanks to all of you for making it a weekend to remember, then there was the concert of all concerts. A night where dreams came true and long lasting memories were formed...Westlife at Croke park. A celebration of an amazing 10 years. What a truly amazing way to start June.
Yet only a couple of days later, when I was still buzzing from Dublin I met up with Mandi and we headed off to see Westlife yet again. A concert that will be imprinted in my memory forever, but unfortunately not for happy memories. Right before the concert started I started to bleed... my baby was leaving me. We stayed, there was nothing anyone could do anyway, tears were shed... from both of us. My hand resting protectively on my stomach as I willed my baby to cling on, I wasn't ready for her to leave me. Racing home, leaving the arena before the lads had even left the stage I needed my husband more than I'd ever needed him before. A scan was booked for two days later, but I already knew what was happening. I could feel it, I didn't need a scan to tell me my baby was no longer for this world.
The 5th of June came, the day we lost our baby forever. Right then I never thought I'd be able to carry on with life, never thought the tears would stop. They did of course, the pain eased and life moved on - life always moves on. I'll never forget though.
June slipped into July and I started a new job, working with two pregnant women - taking each day at a time. Growing stronger all the time.
August came and went, slipping into September - had I really been married for a year? Where had the time gone? We spent a lovely, but rain filled week in a beautiful cottage in Wales with my parents. Chilling out, refreshing and reanalysing life.
October and the best weekend of the year, Tanja's visit, my birthday and the news we both needed. I was pregnant again. It was so hard not to burst and shout my news from the roof tops, Tanja was right beside me as I held my secret in - this time though we couldn't tell anyone. The pain of the relaying bad news is ten times worse the sheer excitement of sharing good news.
October passed, slipped into November - the days were slow the weeks even longer. Each day a countdown - with each day that passed our baby lived a day longer. We were both anxious, scared, nervous, excited - every emotion running through our bodies. The the 24th November came the day we had been counting towards, the day of our scan - D day! Lying on the bed in the hospital, I could barely bring myself to look at the screen - could I handle it if it was bad news. Watching careful, I heard our babies heartbeat - watching as he wriggled around in front of us. From that moment I couldn't drag my eyes away from the screen. Has to be the BEST day of the year! My baby was healthy, I was really going to be a Mummy! The following days passed in a buzz of excitement, as we shared our news with everyone we knew - everyone rejoicing in our happiness.
December and Christmas, a nice quiet relaxing time. A day for family - a day spent alone with my husband and our unborn child. The memory of the baby we should have been celebrating Christmas with never far from our minds. I know she's watching down on us, protecting our new baby.
That brings us into 2009, the year that everything will change. It won't just be the two of us anymore, there is forever going to be someone else to think about - to plan around. I'm still scared, worried about everything - is my baby still okay. Will I be able to cope, will I be a good Mum? What if I don't know what to do? Everyone always says you'll just know...but HOW can you just know something?
We booked a holiday the other day, for September - the same cottage in Wales as last year. Again with my parents. As I was filling in the booking form, listing the names of everyone who would be staying I got to the fifth person 'Baby Allcock (10 weeks)' That was a surreal moment for sure.
Summing up 2008 it started badly, went up and down a few times in the middle and ended on the biggest high. Things happened in 2008 that I haven't mentioned, argument with close friends. Friendships lost, friendships that I don't know if I'll be able to get back. Perhaps it's selfish of me, perhaps saying that right now concentrating on my future, the future of my family is the only thing that matters to me makes me an awful person. If it does I'm sorry, I'm not saying I'm going to neglect my friends, neglect other things in my life - but since the moment I found out there is a baby growing inside me, protecting and loving it became the MOST important thing in my life and always will be. Baby will forever be put first!
"There comes a point in your life when you realise who matters. Who never did. Who won't anymore and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past. There's a reason why they didn't make it into your future."
