Monday morning was the weirdest day, I woke up and I just wanted to cry. Which is exactly what I did as soon as Ant woke up and hugged me. He couldn’t understand why I was crying, but then how was he meant to when I didn’t even know myself. I know now it’s because I was thinking of the baby - maybe I dreamt about her. Maybe something in a dream triggered off my thoughts, I don’t know but whatever brought it on made me feel so sad. So sad that I almost had to come home from work.
‘Now you’re gone, And I’m still crying, Shocked, broken, I’m dying inside’
I guess it’s only normal to have days like that, I’m never going to forget - I never want to forget. Who knows why some days are harder than others? Why some days I think about you more than others. I’d have been almost 14 weeks now - I’d have been getting excited about the day I would first feel her kick! Now I never will…but I know you’re with me. I have to believe this in order to cope.
‘Don’t leave me here on my own, Speak to me, Be near me, I can’t survive unless I know you’re with me’
I know this entry feels like I’ve taken a step backwards, but it’s only temporary and I’ll be okay. It just gets hard some days, not a day passes where a conversation about babies or pregnancy doesn’t happen in the office. Comes with working with two pregnant woman I guess - I talk with them. Share in there joy, the same way I’d hope they would do if it were me.
‘Why did you go? All these questions run through my mind, I wish I couldn’t feel at all, Let me be numb’
I know my problem.. I think to much! Is thinking a bad thing though? I guess it is when you go over things, question everything. Doubt everything. It’s normal though isn’t it? We all do it don’t we? I try not to let it get in the way, I put a smile on and go out into the world and be as brave as I can. I don’t cry in front of people, I’d hate to make them feel uncomfortable. I guess that’s why I do it when Im alone…
‘Just when I found my world, They took you…
…I miss you.’
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