Changes...

Life is changing… Well I guess life is changing every day really, even if it’s the simplest of change - the fact that we are one day older. Not always one day wiser, but it’s one days more experience under out belt.

Lately I have been thinking a lot, about how things have changed - and how soon things will never be the same again. For 9 months I have been carrying a tiny person around inside me, each day this tiny being has been growing, preparing itself to join us in the outside world. I think it’s already changed me as a person, some might not think for the better…the people I no longer talk to probably think I have turned into a horrible person. Truth be told, I don’t care what they think…. If they were true friends, if I was as important to them as they made out they wouldn’t be ignoring me right now. They’d be excited for me, wanting to experience in my life changing times with me. I've started to learn more about what I want from my life, what kind of people I want around me. I've become more outspoken, I won't be walked all over, I'll only do things that make me happy. Not in a selfish way, I will do things for others - things I do because it will make them happy, because ultimately them being happy makes me happy! 

I have  asked myself the same question numerous times over the past couple of months. ‘How can someone who’s been my friend since high school, been a part of my life for so long now want to share this with me?’ One set of exchanged words, one tiny little fight and I don’t hear from her in months. It wasn’t even a huge fight, she told me we’d both made life choices…and I asked her if this was the case was she never happy? Honestly I have spent the last 2 years listening to her tell me how awful her life is, how being single is the worst thing in the world. I know I probably talk about my baby waaaaay to much, but it’s hard not to want to talk about it when it’s making me so happy. My other friends have shared in the excitement, asking questions taking an interest - something I never felt she did. She’d ask the odd thing, but as soon as she could she’d be back onto her. I’ve felt for a long while that things were going to blow up on us, that sooner or later I would have to say something and well I did. Granted a text probably wasn’t the best way, but heat of the moment and all that. I’ve not contacted her since, and she’s not contacted me. I was hoping she would come to my baby shower - show that she wanted to be a part of my life still. But no nothing, she doesn’t even talk to our mutual friends anymore. The longer it drags out the harder it will get for either of us to back down - but I’ve already decided I won’t be the first to make contact.

Call me stubborn, pig headed, call me what you like - I’m doing this for me. I need positive people around me - people who’ll help me adapt to the change that is coming. Not people who will drag me down, depress me….

Guess not everyone comes into your life for a lifetime - some are just there for a season. Perhaps that’s all she was meant to be in my life for?!

I’ve not worked now in 4 weeks, dam I never thought I’d be saying this but I miss it…it’s probably the boredom. Sitting at home for days doing nothing, nothing but waiting is driving me a little insane. I’m still 3 days away from my due date, but I want the baby out NOW! Bored, fed up and my back has been killing me for 3 days now but there is still no sign of the little monster. I’ve tried asking very nicely if it wants to be born yet, but no reply! Even bribing baby with cuddles and toys doesn’t seem to be working, apparently it likes being in my tummy J

A few weeks ago the thought of baby arriving scared me, not just labour (that still scares the crap out of me) but actually having a tiny baby. A tiny delicate baby that will be relying in Mummy and Daddy 100%. I have never fed a baby, changed a baby - other people’s new born babys scare me. I don’t want to hold them incase I hurt them of something. I have had all these fears about my own. But I dunno something has changed…. I am looking forward to the challenge. Looking forward to the new experience, and there are enough people around me who I can turn to for help. My parents, my sisters - even the next door neighbour.

How grown up did I feel the other day, when we were talking over the garden wall about labour… Lol she was offering me advice. Then chatting about baby things… gosh I’m a real grown up aren’t I? When did this happen and how did I not notice?