Haunted...

It’s been a strange week… on the outside it’s been fairly normal. I’ve been getting up going to work, coming home - you know the usualy every day things. The things you do automatically with little thought. Leaving you too much time to thing about other things.

Monday morning was the weirdest day, I woke up and I just wanted to cry. Which is exactly what I did as soon as Ant woke up and hugged me. He couldn’t understand why I was crying, but then how was he meant to when I didn’t even know myself. I know now it’s because I was thinking of the baby - maybe I dreamt about her. Maybe something in a dream triggered off my thoughts, I don’t know but whatever brought it on made me feel so sad. So sad that I almost had to come home from work.

‘Now you’re gone, And I’m still crying, Shocked, broken, I’m dying inside’

I guess it’s only normal to have days like that, I’m never going to forget - I never want to forget. Who knows why some days are harder than others? Why some days I think about you more than others. I’d have been almost 14 weeks now - I’d have been getting excited about the day I would first feel her kick! Now I never will…but I know you’re with me. I have to believe this in order to cope.

‘Don’t leave me here on my own, Speak to me, Be near me, I can’t survive unless I know you’re with me’

I know this entry feels like I’ve taken a step backwards, but it’s only temporary and I’ll be okay. It just gets hard some days, not a day passes where a conversation about babies or pregnancy doesn’t happen in the office. Comes with working with two pregnant woman I guess - I talk with them. Share in there joy, the same way I’d hope they would do if it were me.

‘Why did you go? All these questions run through my mind, I wish I couldn’t feel at all, Let me be numb’

I know my problem.. I think to much! Is thinking a bad thing though? I guess it is when you go over things, question everything. Doubt everything. It’s normal though isn’t it? We all do it don’t we? I try not to let it get in the way, I put a smile on and go out into the world and be as brave as I can. I don’t cry in front of people, I’d hate to make them feel uncomfortable. I guess that’s why I do it when Im alone…

‘Just when I found my world, They took you…
…I miss you.’

Working 9-5..

… what a way to make a living.’

As you know from my last blog I got myself a new job… have offically finished my first week and it went really well. Came home Monday and my brain felt like it would explode from all the information that I had crammed in. Think I picked it up quite well… although they have taught me soooo many things. The big test will be how much of it I can actually remember when I go back Monday.

Think the best part of the job, was the lunchtimes sat in the Park! Work in the middle of town, and as I already knew Sunnie before I started we have been spending out lunch hour together! Three of which we sat in the park and one in the pub - LOVE it! Haha

‘I cry inside of me… I cry silently.’

Yesterday lunchtime I felt a bit down though… my manager Sam is pregant. Sunnie, Sam and I were sat in the park and they started talking about pregnancies and misscarriages. Saying how hard it must be for someone to go threw that. I actually just wanted to cry … they don’t know I had a misscarriage. It was really hard…. talking about pregancy I am okay with. I can get happy with Sam that she will have a little bundle of joy by Xmas. Although I’m not sure how I will cope in December when she has her baby .. I will want to be happy for her but I know I will be thinking it should have been me. That I should have a little baby in my arms to. Makes me sounds selfish doesn’t it… but I am trying really really hard and I’m proud of myself at how well I’m doing but at times I can’t help feeling slightly jealous.

Seriously I swear EVERYONE is pregnant apart from me…everytime I leave the house all I see are pregnant woman. I work with two… leave the office at lunch time and every where I go I see baby bumps! Why is everyone pregnant apart from me?!

’They’ve got you where they want you;
There’s a better life, and you dream about it, don’t you?’

Grrr I am going to rant nowt… Ant has been changed from his 10am - 6pm shift to working 6am - 2pm! We were happy with that, even though he still works weekends he finishes at 2pm so we still get some time together. Granted not as much time as we would like, but it’s better than nothing. However he has been given a letter today, saying that are changing the shift back to 10am - 6pm! We’re soooo pissed off. Meants we will only get a couple of hours every evening to spend together and it scares me. That’s the way we were living before xmas…and things got really bad. I’m soo scared of what will happen to our relationship - will we be able to survive not seeing each other? When we don’t get time together…we tend to get ratty with each other! Which I know is really bad, but it is just so frustrating that we don’t get time together. *sighs* I guess we will just both have to work really hard…. try and make the most of the few hours we get. Makes me wanna cry….everything lately maks me want to cry. Although I haven’t actually cried in sooo long… think my tears have run dry. I don’t think i have any left in my body anywhere.

‘It’s a rich man’s game, no matter what they call it;
And you spend your life putting money in his pocket’