Half Way

It’s hard to believe really, I am over half way through the pregnancy now… just under 19 weeks and I’m due! Wow! It’s scary and mega exciting at the same time J

Been spending a fortune on baby things recently… Had a stress yesterday when I looked on the ‘Toys r Us’ and half the stuff I want for the nursery is sold out. We’re going for a collection called ‘I Love My Bear’. The cot is already bought and sat at my parents house waiting for us to get round to decorating the room, before we can put it together. Thankfully when I dragged Ant to the store yesterday afternoon they had some of the bits I want, we managed to get the matching lampshade, cot mobile and some wall stickers. Ooh and a very cute teddy. We’ve got most bits we want to get nursery sorted now…apart from some pictures which I am hoping they get in online at the end of Feb! Sooo wanted to start decorating yesterday, but that’s impossible when the room isn’t even empty yet! *giggles* Ooh I bought a towel, a blanket, some plain white vests and some bottles too! My little basket is all full now…can’t wait to get a wardrobe and a chest or something, so I can start organising things. *bounces* Will get some pictures of things soon for those who want to see.

Had my 20 week scan on Thursday… baby was being a tad awkward. Lying with his/her back to us, causing problems with all the checks that they need to do. I was being told to lie on one side, then the other, then back on my back. Baby didn’t want to move though. So I had to empty my bladder….what a relief. I thought I was going to burst, a full bladder when something is sat on it is so uncomfortable! Baby moved then, and we watched as it waved it’s arms around. Sooo cute J

I have to go back for a scan at 34 weeks though as my placenta is lying low. This can cause complications, and if the placenta doesn’t move by the next scan I will be booked in for a c-section! After much googling it does appear that in most cases the placenta does move so I’m crossing my fingers mine does. I don’t much fancy having a C-Section. Although as long as baby is fine, I’m happy!

Okay enough baby talk I think! We’re off to Edinburgh in a week, it’s going to be bloody freezing but I’m looking forward to it a lot! I’ve been once years ago for a few hours, and Ant has never been. So we decided we would give it a go. Ant did suggest Dublin and shocking as it is I said I don’t want to! I mean I love Dublin soooo much, but I have been lots. So thought going somewhere new (and cheaper) would be better! It’ll be our last holiday as just the two of us for a long while to - so we need to make the most of it.

Don’t think I have much else to tell, so I’ll stop boring you all now.

Lu xx

Reflections...

"He who hesitates before each step, will spend a lifetime on one foot."

Another new year is upon us and it always seems to be a time for reflections and resolutions. 2008 was a rollercoaster year to say the least - from emotional highs to emotional lows, but I'm still here a stronger more determined person because of it. A new person in a lot of ways...a person that not everyone can get on with any more.

2008 started with the kiss... the kiss that could have ruined everything, the kiss that almost did. Right then I wondered if things could possibly get any worse, it felt like I was at the bottom of the barrel and the only way to go was up. Which is exactly what I did... clawed my way back up and hit one of my all time highs a few months later.

February, March they slipped by - in a daze of jobless days. Boredom, and an addiction to .com. Unproductive and forgettable months.

April came, as did Anthony’s birthday and the fantastic news of my pregnancy. Buzzing with excitement we told anyone who would listen, started planning and imaging what life was going to be like ... by Christmas we'd have a tiny baby. We'd be a family.

May passed by with a Postponed concert, followed by a Westlife concert and then flying over to Dublin. Where I had a truly amazing weekend, meeting loads of wonderful people. Thanks to all of you for making it a weekend to remember, then there was the concert of all concerts. A night where dreams came true and long lasting memories were formed...Westlife at Croke park. A celebration of an amazing 10 years. What a truly amazing way to start June.

Yet only a couple of days later, when I was still buzzing from Dublin I met up with Mandi and we headed off to see Westlife yet again. A concert that will be imprinted in my memory forever, but unfortunately not for happy memories. Right before the concert started I started to bleed... my baby was leaving me. We stayed, there was nothing anyone could do anyway, tears were shed... from both of us. My hand resting protectively on my stomach as I willed my baby to cling on, I wasn't ready for her to leave me. Racing home, leaving the arena before the lads had even left the stage I needed my husband more than I'd ever needed him before. A scan was booked for two days later, but I already knew what was happening. I could feel it, I didn't need a scan to tell me my baby was no longer for this world.

The 5th of June came, the day we lost our baby forever. Right then I never thought I'd be able to carry on with life, never thought the tears would stop. They did of course, the pain eased and life moved on - life always moves on. I'll never forget though.

June slipped into July and I started a new job, working with two pregnant women - taking each day at a time. Growing stronger all the time.

August came and went, slipping into September - had I really been married for a year? Where had the time gone? We spent a lovely, but rain filled week in a beautiful cottage in Wales with my parents. Chilling out, refreshing and reanalysing life.

October and the best weekend of the year, Tanja's visit, my birthday and the news we both needed. I was pregnant again. It was so hard not to burst and shout my news from the roof tops, Tanja was right beside me as I held my secret in - this time though we couldn't tell anyone. The pain of the relaying bad news is ten times worse the sheer excitement of sharing good news.

October passed, slipped into November - the days were slow the weeks even longer. Each day a countdown - with each day that passed our baby lived a day longer. We were both anxious, scared, nervous, excited - every emotion running through our bodies. The the 24th November came the day we had been counting towards, the day of our scan - D day! Lying on the bed in the hospital, I could barely bring myself to look at the screen - could I handle it if it was bad news. Watching careful, I heard our babies heartbeat - watching as he wriggled around in front of us. From that moment I couldn't drag my eyes away from the screen. Has to be the BEST day of the year! My baby was healthy, I was really going to be a Mummy! The following days passed in a buzz of excitement, as we shared our news with everyone we knew - everyone rejoicing in our happiness.

December and Christmas, a nice quiet relaxing time. A day for family - a day spent alone with my husband and our unborn child. The memory of the baby we should have been celebrating Christmas with never far from our minds. I know she's watching down on us, protecting our new baby.

That brings us into 2009, the year that everything will change. It won't just be the two of us anymore, there is forever going to be someone else to think about - to plan around. I'm still scared, worried about everything - is my baby still okay. Will I be able to cope, will I be a good Mum? What if I don't know what to do? Everyone always says you'll just know...but HOW can you just know something?

We booked a holiday the other day, for September - the same cottage in Wales as last year. Again with my parents. As I was filling in the booking form, listing the names of everyone who would be staying I got to the fifth person 'Baby Allcock (10 weeks)' That was a surreal moment for sure.

Summing up 2008 it started badly, went up and down a few times in the middle and ended on the biggest high. Things happened in 2008 that I haven't mentioned, argument with close friends. Friendships lost, friendships that I don't know if I'll be able to get back. Perhaps it's selfish of me, perhaps saying that right now concentrating on my future, the future of my family is the only thing that matters to me makes me an awful person. If it does I'm sorry, I'm not saying I'm going to neglect my friends, neglect other things in my life - but since the moment I found out there is a baby growing inside me, protecting and loving it became the MOST important thing in my life and always will be. Baby will forever be put first!

"There comes a point in your life when you realise who matters. Who never did. Who won't anymore and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past. There's a reason why they didn't make it into your future."

 

Baby things...

Okay this is not really a proper blog entry, but I got a little bit excited over the vests that Gaby sent me earlier and decided to take some pictures of my small collection of baby things.

Not sure if anyone is interested or not... but this is the link :)

http://s117.photobucket.com/albums/o72/LucyLu84pics/Baby%20things/

Can't wait to get seriously into the shopping - knowing me I will buy way to many clothes, and baby will grow out of them before s/he's had a chance to wear them! lol

I *Heart*

I *heart*...
 
A - Anthony
because...  he is the most amazing guy in the entire world. I love him to bits!

B  - Books
because... they transport me to a different place for a while!
 
C - Cats
because... They are so cute. Miss mine 

D -Dublin
because...  It is my favourtie city (well of the ones I have been to)
 
E - Erica
because... She's the best friend a girl could ask for.
 
F - Friends
because... I wouldn't have survived this year without them, thankyou!
 
G - Gabriela
because... she is the bravest girl I know, and I Love her.
 
H - Holidays
because... It's amazing to get away from everyday life, relax and enjoy new things and places!
 
I - Icecream
because...  it is the yummest pudding, mint choc chip... Mmmm
 
J - Jam
because... Raspberry jam on toast a brilliant breakfast!
 
K - Kids
because... they show you the true meaning in life!
 
L - Love
because... It's the MOST amazing feeling!! 
 
M - Music
because... It brings out so many feelings in people! 
 
N - Nachos
because... they are yummy with chilli, sour cream and cheese!
 
O - Oranges
because...  they taste so good. Two a day baby!!
 
P - Pink
because... It's not only a fab colour, but a brilliant singer 
 
Q - Quavers
because... they are awesome crisps!

R - Rainbows
because... they show that even after the darkest storm good things can appear!
  
S - Summer
because... Everyone is happier :)
 
T - Tanja
because... she's become such a close friend, meeting her was fab...and I love her!
 
U - Umbrella's
because... I'd be lost without one in the rain. *sings* under my umbrella
 
V - Vodka
because... It's a great alcholol...miss it!
 
W - Westlife
because...They're the best boyband ever, and through them I have made some amazing friends!
 
X - Xylophones
because... They are fun!
 
Y - You
because... you're great and took the time to read!

Z - Zoos
because... I it reminds me of being a kid, and the animals are amazing!

Small Things...

 

We were having a conversation at work the other day about being happy. When we are kids the smallest things light up our day - remember when you could play in a cardboard box for hours... Flying through space one minute, under water the next. If only life could be this simple now?

Well you know what I decided if you want it to be it really can … everyone gets caught up in a situation, a moment, where right then and there it’s the only thing that matters. You’re fighting with someone over something, getting yourself all worked up - but ask your self this. Is it important? In the grand scheme of things does it matter? The answer is probably NO! Or at least that is what I have been finding lately.

Over the last few weeks, or maybe longer - it’s all become a blur I’ve been fighting a constant battle, partly with myself - partly with others trying to make them realise that these little things are pointless. Life is so much bigger than who’s reading something you wrote, whether you told someone something the second you knew. At least to me it is, but maybe that’s because recently I have gained the life experience to realise this. I seriously want to take a step into some peoples world and pop the bubble that they are living in… or actually live there with them for a while. When the most important thing to them is whether they should talk to a boy or not, whether they should have ham or cheese on their sandwiches?!

My priorities in life have changed greatly… even before my amazing news, it’s not just this baby that is changing my life. It’s everything that I have been through this year - at times I thought it couldn’t get any worse. Putting a smile on my face and holding my head high I ploughed forward, taking each day at a time, and being happy. Making my life happy.

At the end of the day we only have one life…so stop looking backward, stop making everything into a big deal, stop worrying, stressing and making yourself miserable. Smile and enjoy life…take the time to lay on the grass, laugh with friends, read that book or watch that film you’ve always wanted to see….

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along the way

 

 

Happier Times..

Well our time finally came…I’m going to be a Mummy. Honestly it is all I can think about - everything else just pails in significance. There is so much other rubbish happening around me, and I can honestly say for the first time in my life I don’t care. The only thing I care about right now is my baby - making sure I stay safe and healthy for the next 6 months. The next 28 weeks….sounds scary when I say it like that.

We had our scan last Monday and WOW it was the most amazing experience I have had up to date. Seeing our tiny baby - 4.6cm there on the screen. Watching baby’s little heart beating, his little arms and legs waving around. We even saw him opening and closing his mouth - wow! When I left the room I actually cried with happiness - couldn’t stop hugging Ant and grinning

You may notice I’m calling baby a him - I might be saying she tomorrow, it changes daily. It is just an awful word… baby is not an It. It’s a little human, a little tiny human.

Pulled out the couple of clothes I bought the other day, soo cute - can’t wait to be let loose shopping properly. I’ll probably buy EVERYTHING - things we’ll never even use. Who says I don’t need a nappy bin, or a baby bath and I do need 50 romper suits…don’t i?! Arrgh it’s soo confusing! But so much fun … never thought the idea of shoping for someone else would excite me so much. I’m already dying to go and play with prams, cots, car seats…everything! But I’ve got lots of time yet … so for now I’m just going to try and enjoy my pregnancy!

Thinking...

I’m starting to wonder if thinking is a bad thing? I sometimes think I would be better off if I closed off my mind and never let certain things drift back into my mind. There�s a certain person who I shouldn�t have let get back into my mind � the thoughts weren�t like they were before. It was partly just sorrow for the way things ended�. for the way that things will never be again.

He apologised - he finally did it� Finally got in touch with Ant and said he was sorry for all the heartache he caused. Ant was slightly miffed that it took him seven months to find the words�but he did it eventually. Isn�t that what counts? They talked for a bit, I don�t know everything that was said I wasn�t there. From what I gather Jay knows he�d an idiot, knows he needs to sort out his life. Stop destroying everything he touches.

I can�t help but feel bad for how things turned out, it would be easy if I put all the blame on him � but I can�t. I couldn�t � I will always admit when I am in the wrong *sighs * I shouldn�t even be thinking about this any more!

Guess I�m just worried about what happens now? Will we see him again? Will I ever be able to talk to him again � with out worrying that everyone will be watching. Scared to leave us alone. Will he even want to talk to me? I want him to talk to me again one day � I want to tell him I�m sorry!

‘I was thinking, over thinking, about how far I let this go’

It�s not just him I�ve been thinking about, things erupted this afternoon � things were said that I�ve been holding back for a long time. Things that maybe shouldn�t have been said the way they were � but I couldn�t think of another way anymore. I�ve tried to talk before now, but I�ve never got anywhere. I think� I hope that people have begun to realise the error of there ways. We�re not saint�s � we all do things wrong. I know I�ve done my share.

Perhaps exploding in the way I did wasn�t right, I thought I would feel better for getting it all out� but it�s not enough. I need to talk about it with them � it needs to be aired. Sorted, not swept under the rug and ignored. We both know this now.

‘I’m trying to make sense out of all this’

There�s other things to, a �good friend� who lives in the land of �ME� everything is about her � me, me, me! I�ve been told I have the patience of a Saint for putting up with her. Perhaps I have, but perhaps I�m just not ready to have it out with her. Not ready for the explosion that will come. She�s already lost three friends� all from one night out. Missed an invite to a friends leaving party. I can�t help thinking that I�m a bad person because I was glad that she wasn�t there. I had a really good night, so much fun with some friends I hardly ever see�never mind party with. If she was there, I just know I would have been lumbered with her. The others would have gone off without me�leaving me to listen to her. To look after her when she gets to drunk to handle herself. We�ve all done it, got so drunk we need someone to look after us� but is that really necessary every time you drink? We�ve all got a limit�why can�t some people learn it?! Know when to stop?!

Is it so hard to grow up�to stop acting like a 13 year old and start acting your real age? Being immature is fun� but so what a drunken guy is talking to you. Being an idiot� but do you really need to act the way you did?

Okay no you probably all think I�m a bitch or something, but I just feel like I needed to say these things. Get them off my chest� make me feel better. I don�t though� maybe I need to take it with her. Stop a repeat of this afternoon happening? It�s just hard, I know she will get angry � she will get upset and I can�t deal with that right now. I�m not sure I can ever deal with it.

‘I can’t deny this anymore, that facts ignored, all done before’

I do have some great friends though, and believe it or not most of them live in my computer�okay well technically they don�t but that�s where I met them! I want to say thank you to everyone who has been there for me over the past months, who have been there for me this year. You know who are you �and I love you all!!

I�ve thought of a lot the past week�and I have to say 2007 was one of the best � if not �THE� best year of my life. While 2008 has been the �worst year� makes me wish for 2009 perhaps I will get another good year. Although if you get one good year, followed by an awful one then I will pass� just let 2009 be normal. Not great, not shit� just no dramas.

I was thinking, over thinking..

Anyway I think I have written more than enough�I will leave it for today!

Lu xxx