Changes...

Life is changing… Well I guess life is changing every day really, even if it’s the simplest of change - the fact that we are one day older. Not always one day wiser, but it’s one days more experience under out belt.

Lately I have been thinking a lot, about how things have changed - and how soon things will never be the same again. For 9 months I have been carrying a tiny person around inside me, each day this tiny being has been growing, preparing itself to join us in the outside world. I think it’s already changed me as a person, some might not think for the better…the people I no longer talk to probably think I have turned into a horrible person. Truth be told, I don’t care what they think…. If they were true friends, if I was as important to them as they made out they wouldn’t be ignoring me right now. They’d be excited for me, wanting to experience in my life changing times with me. I've started to learn more about what I want from my life, what kind of people I want around me. I've become more outspoken, I won't be walked all over, I'll only do things that make me happy. Not in a selfish way, I will do things for others - things I do because it will make them happy, because ultimately them being happy makes me happy! 

I have  asked myself the same question numerous times over the past couple of months. ‘How can someone who’s been my friend since high school, been a part of my life for so long now want to share this with me?’ One set of exchanged words, one tiny little fight and I don’t hear from her in months. It wasn’t even a huge fight, she told me we’d both made life choices…and I asked her if this was the case was she never happy? Honestly I have spent the last 2 years listening to her tell me how awful her life is, how being single is the worst thing in the world. I know I probably talk about my baby waaaaay to much, but it’s hard not to want to talk about it when it’s making me so happy. My other friends have shared in the excitement, asking questions taking an interest - something I never felt she did. She’d ask the odd thing, but as soon as she could she’d be back onto her. I’ve felt for a long while that things were going to blow up on us, that sooner or later I would have to say something and well I did. Granted a text probably wasn’t the best way, but heat of the moment and all that. I’ve not contacted her since, and she’s not contacted me. I was hoping she would come to my baby shower - show that she wanted to be a part of my life still. But no nothing, she doesn’t even talk to our mutual friends anymore. The longer it drags out the harder it will get for either of us to back down - but I’ve already decided I won’t be the first to make contact.

Call me stubborn, pig headed, call me what you like - I’m doing this for me. I need positive people around me - people who’ll help me adapt to the change that is coming. Not people who will drag me down, depress me….

Guess not everyone comes into your life for a lifetime - some are just there for a season. Perhaps that’s all she was meant to be in my life for?!

I’ve not worked now in 4 weeks, dam I never thought I’d be saying this but I miss it…it’s probably the boredom. Sitting at home for days doing nothing, nothing but waiting is driving me a little insane. I’m still 3 days away from my due date, but I want the baby out NOW! Bored, fed up and my back has been killing me for 3 days now but there is still no sign of the little monster. I’ve tried asking very nicely if it wants to be born yet, but no reply! Even bribing baby with cuddles and toys doesn’t seem to be working, apparently it likes being in my tummy J

A few weeks ago the thought of baby arriving scared me, not just labour (that still scares the crap out of me) but actually having a tiny baby. A tiny delicate baby that will be relying in Mummy and Daddy 100%. I have never fed a baby, changed a baby - other people’s new born babys scare me. I don’t want to hold them incase I hurt them of something. I have had all these fears about my own. But I dunno something has changed…. I am looking forward to the challenge. Looking forward to the new experience, and there are enough people around me who I can turn to for help. My parents, my sisters - even the next door neighbour.

How grown up did I feel the other day, when we were talking over the garden wall about labour… Lol she was offering me advice. Then chatting about baby things… gosh I’m a real grown up aren’t I? When did this happen and how did I not notice?

Half Way

It’s hard to believe really, I am over half way through the pregnancy now… just under 19 weeks and I’m due! Wow! It’s scary and mega exciting at the same time J

Been spending a fortune on baby things recently… Had a stress yesterday when I looked on the ‘Toys r Us’ and half the stuff I want for the nursery is sold out. We’re going for a collection called ‘I Love My Bear’. The cot is already bought and sat at my parents house waiting for us to get round to decorating the room, before we can put it together. Thankfully when I dragged Ant to the store yesterday afternoon they had some of the bits I want, we managed to get the matching lampshade, cot mobile and some wall stickers. Ooh and a very cute teddy. We’ve got most bits we want to get nursery sorted now…apart from some pictures which I am hoping they get in online at the end of Feb! Sooo wanted to start decorating yesterday, but that’s impossible when the room isn’t even empty yet! *giggles* Ooh I bought a towel, a blanket, some plain white vests and some bottles too! My little basket is all full now…can’t wait to get a wardrobe and a chest or something, so I can start organising things. *bounces* Will get some pictures of things soon for those who want to see.

Had my 20 week scan on Thursday… baby was being a tad awkward. Lying with his/her back to us, causing problems with all the checks that they need to do. I was being told to lie on one side, then the other, then back on my back. Baby didn’t want to move though. So I had to empty my bladder….what a relief. I thought I was going to burst, a full bladder when something is sat on it is so uncomfortable! Baby moved then, and we watched as it waved it’s arms around. Sooo cute J

I have to go back for a scan at 34 weeks though as my placenta is lying low. This can cause complications, and if the placenta doesn’t move by the next scan I will be booked in for a c-section! After much googling it does appear that in most cases the placenta does move so I’m crossing my fingers mine does. I don’t much fancy having a C-Section. Although as long as baby is fine, I’m happy!

Okay enough baby talk I think! We’re off to Edinburgh in a week, it’s going to be bloody freezing but I’m looking forward to it a lot! I’ve been once years ago for a few hours, and Ant has never been. So we decided we would give it a go. Ant did suggest Dublin and shocking as it is I said I don’t want to! I mean I love Dublin soooo much, but I have been lots. So thought going somewhere new (and cheaper) would be better! It’ll be our last holiday as just the two of us for a long while to - so we need to make the most of it.

Don’t think I have much else to tell, so I’ll stop boring you all now.

Lu xx

Reflections...

"He who hesitates before each step, will spend a lifetime on one foot."

Another new year is upon us and it always seems to be a time for reflections and resolutions. 2008 was a rollercoaster year to say the least - from emotional highs to emotional lows, but I'm still here a stronger more determined person because of it. A new person in a lot of ways...a person that not everyone can get on with any more.

2008 started with the kiss... the kiss that could have ruined everything, the kiss that almost did. Right then I wondered if things could possibly get any worse, it felt like I was at the bottom of the barrel and the only way to go was up. Which is exactly what I did... clawed my way back up and hit one of my all time highs a few months later.

February, March they slipped by - in a daze of jobless days. Boredom, and an addiction to .com. Unproductive and forgettable months.

April came, as did Anthony’s birthday and the fantastic news of my pregnancy. Buzzing with excitement we told anyone who would listen, started planning and imaging what life was going to be like ... by Christmas we'd have a tiny baby. We'd be a family.

May passed by with a Postponed concert, followed by a Westlife concert and then flying over to Dublin. Where I had a truly amazing weekend, meeting loads of wonderful people. Thanks to all of you for making it a weekend to remember, then there was the concert of all concerts. A night where dreams came true and long lasting memories were formed...Westlife at Croke park. A celebration of an amazing 10 years. What a truly amazing way to start June.

Yet only a couple of days later, when I was still buzzing from Dublin I met up with Mandi and we headed off to see Westlife yet again. A concert that will be imprinted in my memory forever, but unfortunately not for happy memories. Right before the concert started I started to bleed... my baby was leaving me. We stayed, there was nothing anyone could do anyway, tears were shed... from both of us. My hand resting protectively on my stomach as I willed my baby to cling on, I wasn't ready for her to leave me. Racing home, leaving the arena before the lads had even left the stage I needed my husband more than I'd ever needed him before. A scan was booked for two days later, but I already knew what was happening. I could feel it, I didn't need a scan to tell me my baby was no longer for this world.

The 5th of June came, the day we lost our baby forever. Right then I never thought I'd be able to carry on with life, never thought the tears would stop. They did of course, the pain eased and life moved on - life always moves on. I'll never forget though.

June slipped into July and I started a new job, working with two pregnant women - taking each day at a time. Growing stronger all the time.

August came and went, slipping into September - had I really been married for a year? Where had the time gone? We spent a lovely, but rain filled week in a beautiful cottage in Wales with my parents. Chilling out, refreshing and reanalysing life.

October and the best weekend of the year, Tanja's visit, my birthday and the news we both needed. I was pregnant again. It was so hard not to burst and shout my news from the roof tops, Tanja was right beside me as I held my secret in - this time though we couldn't tell anyone. The pain of the relaying bad news is ten times worse the sheer excitement of sharing good news.

October passed, slipped into November - the days were slow the weeks even longer. Each day a countdown - with each day that passed our baby lived a day longer. We were both anxious, scared, nervous, excited - every emotion running through our bodies. The the 24th November came the day we had been counting towards, the day of our scan - D day! Lying on the bed in the hospital, I could barely bring myself to look at the screen - could I handle it if it was bad news. Watching careful, I heard our babies heartbeat - watching as he wriggled around in front of us. From that moment I couldn't drag my eyes away from the screen. Has to be the BEST day of the year! My baby was healthy, I was really going to be a Mummy! The following days passed in a buzz of excitement, as we shared our news with everyone we knew - everyone rejoicing in our happiness.

December and Christmas, a nice quiet relaxing time. A day for family - a day spent alone with my husband and our unborn child. The memory of the baby we should have been celebrating Christmas with never far from our minds. I know she's watching down on us, protecting our new baby.

That brings us into 2009, the year that everything will change. It won't just be the two of us anymore, there is forever going to be someone else to think about - to plan around. I'm still scared, worried about everything - is my baby still okay. Will I be able to cope, will I be a good Mum? What if I don't know what to do? Everyone always says you'll just know...but HOW can you just know something?

We booked a holiday the other day, for September - the same cottage in Wales as last year. Again with my parents. As I was filling in the booking form, listing the names of everyone who would be staying I got to the fifth person 'Baby Allcock (10 weeks)' That was a surreal moment for sure.

Summing up 2008 it started badly, went up and down a few times in the middle and ended on the biggest high. Things happened in 2008 that I haven't mentioned, argument with close friends. Friendships lost, friendships that I don't know if I'll be able to get back. Perhaps it's selfish of me, perhaps saying that right now concentrating on my future, the future of my family is the only thing that matters to me makes me an awful person. If it does I'm sorry, I'm not saying I'm going to neglect my friends, neglect other things in my life - but since the moment I found out there is a baby growing inside me, protecting and loving it became the MOST important thing in my life and always will be. Baby will forever be put first!

"There comes a point in your life when you realise who matters. Who never did. Who won't anymore and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past. There's a reason why they didn't make it into your future."

 

Baby things...

Okay this is not really a proper blog entry, but I got a little bit excited over the vests that Gaby sent me earlier and decided to take some pictures of my small collection of baby things.

Not sure if anyone is interested or not... but this is the link :)

http://s117.photobucket.com/albums/o72/LucyLu84pics/Baby%20things/

Can't wait to get seriously into the shopping - knowing me I will buy way to many clothes, and baby will grow out of them before s/he's had a chance to wear them! lol

I *Heart*

I *heart*...
 
A - Anthony
because...  he is the most amazing guy in the entire world. I love him to bits!

B  - Books
because... they transport me to a different place for a while!
 
C - Cats
because... They are so cute. Miss mine 

D -Dublin
because...  It is my favourtie city (well of the ones I have been to)
 
E - Erica
because... She's the best friend a girl could ask for.
 
F - Friends
because... I wouldn't have survived this year without them, thankyou!
 
G - Gabriela
because... she is the bravest girl I know, and I Love her.
 
H - Holidays
because... It's amazing to get away from everyday life, relax and enjoy new things and places!
 
I - Icecream
because...  it is the yummest pudding, mint choc chip... Mmmm
 
J - Jam
because... Raspberry jam on toast a brilliant breakfast!
 
K - Kids
because... they show you the true meaning in life!
 
L - Love
because... It's the MOST amazing feeling!! 
 
M - Music
because... It brings out so many feelings in people! 
 
N - Nachos
because... they are yummy with chilli, sour cream and cheese!
 
O - Oranges
because...  they taste so good. Two a day baby!!
 
P - Pink
because... It's not only a fab colour, but a brilliant singer 
 
Q - Quavers
because... they are awesome crisps!

R - Rainbows
because... they show that even after the darkest storm good things can appear!
  
S - Summer
because... Everyone is happier :)
 
T - Tanja
because... she's become such a close friend, meeting her was fab...and I love her!
 
U - Umbrella's
because... I'd be lost without one in the rain. *sings* under my umbrella
 
V - Vodka
because... It's a great alcholol...miss it!
 
W - Westlife
because...They're the best boyband ever, and through them I have made some amazing friends!
 
X - Xylophones
because... They are fun!
 
Y - You
because... you're great and took the time to read!

Z - Zoos
because... I it reminds me of being a kid, and the animals are amazing!

Small Things...

 

We were having a conversation at work the other day about being happy. When we are kids the smallest things light up our day - remember when you could play in a cardboard box for hours... Flying through space one minute, under water the next. If only life could be this simple now?

Well you know what I decided if you want it to be it really can … everyone gets caught up in a situation, a moment, where right then and there it’s the only thing that matters. You’re fighting with someone over something, getting yourself all worked up - but ask your self this. Is it important? In the grand scheme of things does it matter? The answer is probably NO! Or at least that is what I have been finding lately.

Over the last few weeks, or maybe longer - it’s all become a blur I’ve been fighting a constant battle, partly with myself - partly with others trying to make them realise that these little things are pointless. Life is so much bigger than who’s reading something you wrote, whether you told someone something the second you knew. At least to me it is, but maybe that’s because recently I have gained the life experience to realise this. I seriously want to take a step into some peoples world and pop the bubble that they are living in… or actually live there with them for a while. When the most important thing to them is whether they should talk to a boy or not, whether they should have ham or cheese on their sandwiches?!

My priorities in life have changed greatly… even before my amazing news, it’s not just this baby that is changing my life. It’s everything that I have been through this year - at times I thought it couldn’t get any worse. Putting a smile on my face and holding my head high I ploughed forward, taking each day at a time, and being happy. Making my life happy.

At the end of the day we only have one life…so stop looking backward, stop making everything into a big deal, stop worrying, stressing and making yourself miserable. Smile and enjoy life…take the time to lay on the grass, laugh with friends, read that book or watch that film you’ve always wanted to see….

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along the way

 

 

Happier Times..

Well our time finally came…I’m going to be a Mummy. Honestly it is all I can think about - everything else just pails in significance. There is so much other rubbish happening around me, and I can honestly say for the first time in my life I don’t care. The only thing I care about right now is my baby - making sure I stay safe and healthy for the next 6 months. The next 28 weeks….sounds scary when I say it like that.

We had our scan last Monday and WOW it was the most amazing experience I have had up to date. Seeing our tiny baby - 4.6cm there on the screen. Watching baby’s little heart beating, his little arms and legs waving around. We even saw him opening and closing his mouth - wow! When I left the room I actually cried with happiness - couldn’t stop hugging Ant and grinning

You may notice I’m calling baby a him - I might be saying she tomorrow, it changes daily. It is just an awful word… baby is not an It. It’s a little human, a little tiny human.

Pulled out the couple of clothes I bought the other day, soo cute - can’t wait to be let loose shopping properly. I’ll probably buy EVERYTHING - things we’ll never even use. Who says I don’t need a nappy bin, or a baby bath and I do need 50 romper suits…don’t i?! Arrgh it’s soo confusing! But so much fun … never thought the idea of shoping for someone else would excite me so much. I’m already dying to go and play with prams, cots, car seats…everything! But I’ve got lots of time yet … so for now I’m just going to try and enjoy my pregnancy!